Really?

When I say I hate you

It’s only coz you’ve hurt me

And only if I love you,

Only then can you hurt me.

So when I say I hate you…it’s only coz I love you.

It’s only coz you’ve upset me

when I say “Fine, go away!”

And I’m only upset this badly

Coz I wished you’d insist to stay and not just go “k”.

So when I say “Fine, go away!”…please don’t.

It’s only coz you don’t seem to care about me

When I say “This isn’t working.”

Coz I wanted you to disagree 

and point out how “we” is actually the Best Thing.

So when I say “this isn’t working”…you’re not supposed to agree.

It’s only coz you push me away

When I say “I’m scared of you.”

Coz I wanted you to pull me close no matter how far I go astray

to hold me tight and say “Don’t be silly my Baby Boo!”

So when I say “I’m scared of you”…show me that I should never be.

It’s only coz you’re so passive to my pain

that I’d hesitate to speak and I say “forget it” or “maybe some other time then”

But truth be told, I just wished, with no questions, you’d drop everything so vain

and rush to my side, whispering comfort, your fingers thru my mane.

So when I say “forget it” or “maybe some other time then”…it’s when I need you the most right then and there.

When I say “I don’t want all of this anymore.”

it’s only coz you act like you don’t want me.

So I just wanted you to pamper me like never before,

and let me know how we fit together perfectly.

So when I say “I don’t want all of this anymore.” it’s simply ‘coz you made me so meaningless to you.

So when I start to run afar,

I hope to hear your footsteps behind me.

Coz when I say what I say,

you, of all, should know what my Heart is shouting. 

So I’ll wish upon a wishing star,

that you’ll dry my tears for me.

I handed you my Heart already

Listen carefully to what its really saying.

And when I say I want it back…

I just wished you’d hold on to it tight

and try to make up for all you’ve lacked

and show me that as long as we have each other…everything’s alright.

Drenched in The Bittersweet Embrace
The Whispers in my ears in peaked contrasts
In the Absolute…There is no wrong, there is no right
All but risks towards the Best Happiness or Worst Pain.

So while I am torn in this Insanity Maze
I’ll hold my own hand into swirling Bright Darkness
Half a Blissful Smile and Half a Bleeding Tear keeps me in fright
My own Prayers, Sweet Thoughts and Soulful Eyes along the Sunny Rain.

The Rough Battle begins in the murmur of soft tender kisses
The Sturdy Truth makes way in quick sharp dangerous slices
I keep myself in the cold to learn the reality of Warmth
yet the Fear questions: What if the Warmth never comes forth?

It’s not that I care.

I’ve always made my decisions impulsively.
I’ve always let myself be friends with the Friendlies and Nots.
I’ve always believed in the Best of people. 
Making strangers smile.
Being a little Spark.
Inspiring lonely Folks.

So Like I said.

It’s not that I care.

I just do.

and I’m gay that way so shut it.

So here we go again

Everyone says nothing’s impossible

I beg to differ when I stand in the rain

coz in here where lightnings tremble

Really huh no songs can make it go away

No deeds can undo man’s dark depth

No words can change one man’s way

No truth can sink to ears that are deaf

So once again we walk in storm

nothing else to do but endure the harm.

So they all say what one is like

but I tell them all take a hike

coz I ain’t One to take a look

and make a person like a cover of a book

Plays and ploys are what I’ve been in

I thought I was smart but really? Not so keen.

So back to square one where all is broken and undone

it’s too late to get back what I’ve let gone:

A heart’s that’s fooled by a Starry Night

When it’s all a painting I thought to be Light.

I used to use the words men were made to make women look smarter.

But truth be told? It’s quite the other way around. Ovah and ovah.

Tick Tick Tick went my heels as I sped up my pace walking towards a black Benz.

I tapped the passenger seat side and the window rolls down. I looked at him as if to say “let’s go?” His eyebrows were touching in a frown. I jump back in surprise as he suddenly opens the door, steps out and slams it shut. Ah. He’s wearing his favorite custom-made designer tux.

“I’ve never waited before in my entire life.” Looking at my outfit from head to toe. Typical.

I smirked and rolled my eyes. “Damn spoiled son of a bitch Golden Boi we all love.” I thought to myself.


We walked towards a different unfamiliar car as his stoic chauffer drove the Benz away.


We entered the backseat of the car and it was jam packed with faces I can’t seem to recognize, Just Dance playing at the background. He started head banging his head side to side just like he always danced.

Suddenly all the tension between us was gone. A woman entered the passenger seat and the car started to move. I glared at the woman. She passed the rock and some herb. I looked away at the window, gazing into the night as they all eagerly did their thing.


The car went faster and faster, the lights outside seemed like flashes. Everyone was laughing hysterically with unfocused eyes as I let out an uneasy chuckle. Shrieks of joy all over as the car sped up. My heart beating across my chest with anxiety and excitement.

Before I knew it, the car at full speed suddenly stops, shaking everyone inside. I realized we banged into a lamppost. Before I could let out a sound, another crash came out as the lamppost fell on top of us. Sparks everywhere.

Within seconds flames enveloped us all. I could feel the burning sensation on my skin as I grit my teeth in pain. But I realized, I’m not burning. I clasp my hands together and they’re as whole as they can be. As if I’m not really here. I looked around. Flames on everyone. But I could only see his face. Others’ faces were just blurs and shadows.

Everyone else was getting out. Except for him and the woman. The woman was just shrieking in pain, twitching in the fire. I realized that the lamppost has pinned her. “She can’t get out.” I thought.

I gave him a panicked look. “LET’S GO!!!!” The flames were on his hair. His fancy tux. His skin. But he’s pulling on her.

“No! We can’t leave! We have to save her!”

“Please let’s go! Save yourself! We can’t save her! PLEASE….” I begged.

He ignored my begging and continued his feable attempt to save the bitch. Suddenly another explosion went off. Bigger flames. Everywhere. His eyes bored into mine. I see the fear and realization that we really can’t save her.

“Help me.”

I grabbed his hands and started to tug him to get out through the fire wrapping the window. But something felt wrong.

I looked at my hands and realized I just tore his torching skin away. I keep grabbing him some more but the more he was falling apart in my hands.

His eyes were pleadingly staring into mine.

“Please get me out. Please Ellie. Please. Please.” they seem to say.

But all that came from his mouth now are shrieks of pain. Screeching at the top of his voice. His voice drilling right into my ears.

He’s burning alive. I can’t see his tux anymore. His beautiful face nothing but fleshy lumps. All I can see was his flesh errupting in the flames. and I couldn’t do anything but watch.

I did the only thing I could do.

I hugged him. I felt his hot soft gooey flesh against me. I whispered to his no-longer existent ear.

“It’s gonna be OK. It’s gonna be ok. Shush shush. You’re gonna make it.” My voice unstable with sobs and my tears endlessly streaming.

His shrieks of agony just in my ears. “Help me Ellie. Help me.”


I wake up.
My body curled, shaking uncontrollably.
My cheeks wet from tears and more came.
I whimper into the night. “Ralph. Please. Let me go. Let me go. Help me let you go.”
And whisper out another prayer for Ralph.

So J Mac got me on a roll on the Dark Secrets.

Effin Ellie loves to party. Had ParteE.

A dark bright night.
Working the beautiful ugly people like any other day at the temple.
Near the music makers, we had our soltitude.

I never thought I would feast upon it.
But I did.
Breathes on me.
People to please. Expectations to be reached. I had no other choice.

It was round like the moon.
Beautiful and ugly like these people breathing around me.
Craters that weren’t by accident but printed.

It didn’t take long. Laughter in my ears. Dirty hands all over. I never felt so alone. I wanted someone. Anyone. My body searching for any other.

Man. Woman. Halfway. I didn’t care.
Whether I was wanted or not by the person, I didn’t care.
Single. Taken. Married. I’d take anyone. I. Just. Didn’t. Care.

Flesh against Flesh.
Breath against neck.
The sweet stench of a human body.
The sliding of sweaty skin to another sweaty skin.
Grinding. Gyrating. As close as possible.
Fingers running the fields of my body.
Grasping at any writhing body to hold tight.


I wanted it all.